They walked briskly towards the international arrivals gate and soon found their targets standing around waiting to be kidnapped. And they did exactly that. But first they straightened up their backs, put on their sunglasses, and proceeded to listen to their favorite pump up song,  “Eye of the Tiger”. Then they mustered up their best cronie voices and, in unison, said to Pablo and Dr. Peter, “You guys. vamanos.”So with pablo and Dr. Peter in tow, the two cronies returned to Tom the tumultuous just as the sun slipped below the horizon.”Excellent work” Tom congratulated his cronies. “Dan, you get to sleep in a bed tonight.”  And a smart grin spread across Dan’s face as his eyes began to droop a little and a dream bubble could be seen to form above his head. And thus they proceeded to sleep in Tom’s top secret headquarters in room 118 and 119 in Hotel Santa Rosa in Plaza San Pedro in the town of Cholula-but don’t tell anybody.

The crowing of roosters woke them in the early morning, or rather, in the middle of the night. As they walked out to Tom’s shenana-van with dual rear wheels and a beefy roof rack, a little moment Tom likes to call a “Señor moment” suddenly came over him. He could no longer remember why he had kidnapped Dr. P and Pablo.
“Hey cronies why did we snatch these guys from the airport?” Tom asked.
“No idea boss.” said Dan and Señor Jose Loise in their best cronie voices.
“Ok, well as long as they’re here we might as well show them a good time and take them kayaking. You guys want to do that?” Tom asked the previously kidnapped Dr. Peter Pan and Pablo. And the two heads could be seen to bob in unison as a twinkle came to their eyes and a bubble filled with rapids and river lunches began to form above their heads.

It was a couple of hours drive to the put-in of the first river, Santiago Quiotopec, also known as the “incredibly windy city in the desert that with blow sand into your ears”. On arriving, Tom the Tumultuous set out to make peace with the local town leaders in the least tumultuous way possible. Though there was much yelling, it was only because everyone’s ears were filled with sand, and the peace talks really went quite smoothly. The next several hours were filled with yelps, punches, and a few tears as the crew desperately tried to fit all their gear into their kayaks for a 3 day expedition down the rio Santo Domingo, or as the locals call it, the Rio Grande. Bitterly worn and nearly defeated, the crew ate dinner at dear old Olga’s house before retiring for the night.

The roosters woke them up, again, at some ridiculous hour in the morning/night. Pablo and Dr. P, with their new-found freedom, demanded that they receive a caffeine fix on the way to the river. An hour later, the crew set off down the river with a last wave goodbye to Señor Jose Loise. As they snaked their way through the desert, beautiful vistas, cliffs and caves came and went in frequent procession.

Then, they heard some rumblin cuz the water was a tumblin.
“Hold on!” exclaimed Pablo, “I didn’t drink nearly enough coffee for this kind of excitement!” But it was no use. Tom’s ears were stuffed with sand and already a sly grin had formed on his face. He led the crew down several rapids and when he thought they had had enough, it was time to set up camp. It was a cozy camp with a ferocious fire and alota alliteration along all the banks. And it wasn’t long before they crawled into their sleeping bags, except for Tom who took a nap leaned against a rock by the fire, and fell asleep.

There were no roosters that morning, and clearly, that was cause for celebration. The band was called in, pinatas were hung up, and Señoritas came from far and wide to dance with the smelly, unshaven, though well rested, crew of kayakers. Eventually the festivities subsided and it was time to paddle. That day was filled with rapids like the boats were filled with gear- to the brim. It was a super fun day as the crew descended the river from the crusty desert to the ever increasingly jungly jungle. Even their ears began to empty of sand and the day passed with many smiles (and one swim!).

The usual campsite was severely overgrown and looked like something out of Jumanji. Where once there was nothing but sand, now there grew a thick forest of bamboos, grasses, and vines. Stupid nature, that was an incredible campsite before you came along.  Dan the Delirious learned an important lesson that night. If you’re afraid of snakes, scorpions, spiders and other words that begin with ‘S’, then unless you want to have a fitful, paranoid sleep, SLEEP IN YOUR TENT. Equally as important: Don’t sleep where you spilled food because ANTS WILL EAT YOU. Both good life lessons. Socrates would certainly concur.

The last day had some great rapids, followed by some great flat water.  Tom became particularly tumultuous that day so, to everyone’s horror, he made Dan lead the group down parts of the river. The take-out was at the town of Santo Domingo where Tom is buddy buddy with one of the families there and arranged for them to feed five hungry kayakers. They were also so kind as to entertain the group with a Christian music video starring “The Texan girl from Guatemala”, who changed her outfit in every scene and was probably one of the worst singers you will ever hear. That wonderful meal and spectacular singing performance was followed by a long drive to Valle Nacional, home of the Rio Valle Nacional. And there they enjoyed their first night in real beds.

The next morning they enjoyed their first breakfast that was not oatmeal before driving up to the put-in. The river began with some scary boofs. So scary that Pablo did not even bother to scout and just charged ahead. Luckily, charging far enough ahead to avoid the sticky hole. Memolito was not so lucky. After a good working he came out of his boat and went for a short swim down the next rapid. A second scary boof followed the first one. It was not as difficult as the first but definitely higher up on the scariness scale. Everyone ran this drop cleanly and the crew proceeded down the rest of the river without incident. As they floated towards the take-out, passing through a small town, the banks of the river began to be lined with more and more half-naked girls. Of course, Dan the Delirious thought they had come to see his sexy kayaking moves, while Tom the Tumultuous thought they had come to see him, and the rest of the crew had similar ideas. Nobody seemed to notice they were actually just washing clothes.

That night was new years eve and Tom treated everyone to a dinner of a caliber never before seen on a Tom trip. Rivershrimp soup was followed by a fish fillet and a cheese cake topped it all off. The crew went to bed well before midnight but everyone else in the town that night was up playing disco music and burning tires into the wee hours of the morning.

The next day was the last day of the trip, so obviously it was cold and raining. Everyone had been waiting for a chance to put on cold, wet gear and finally it seemed the river gods had granted their wish. There was much manly grunting, and one high pitched yelp (Tom), as the gear flew on at terrific speed. Today was Rio valle Nacional, round two. This time both Pablo and Memolito decided to swim at the rapid later named “Memo’s mortification” because, I guess, they weren’t cold enough. They cruised down the rest of the river, eager to reach the take-out town again. But to their complete and utter and vastly devastating disappointment there was not even one half-naked girl in sight. Perhaps they weren’t as sexy as they had thought.
The trip ended with a comfy night in the Hotel Colonial for Pablo and Dr. Peter Pan, a snore-filled night in the van for Dan, Jose Loise, and Tom, and a bum-like night on the floor of the bus station for Memolito. But it was exactly what each person wanted.

If you would like to see all the photos from the Mexico Advanced Trip follow this link.  The videos can be seen by double clicking on the photo.